Day 34, February 4, 2009 Wednesday

I hate shoe shopping in the United States let alone in Barcelona. Shoes are so hip and you think a girl would love to go crazy here. It is too intense for me. I realized I don’t like shopping for things I need to. I generally love pressure, and perform the best under it, but not with shopping. It can almost make me cry. I spent 3 hours looking for shoes, and I had no luck. No one carries a 40. And I’m a 40.5. They only carry very tiny shoes. And that makes me frustrated. Especially because I need them because the doctor said I needed them! I have ugly feet, and super large feed according to Europeans! FML

And my senora always cleans my room and moves things I need. I will never be an organized person. I love post it’s and lists, not a planner for my events. I need scattered piles in order for days, and paper lying places. It calms me down. Clean rooms make me nervous. When my mom cleans my room at home, I have to put clothes on the floor to make it seem homier. I hate that perfect look. I also despise perfection I decided. But I am very punctual. I need to be on time. I over plan for EVERYTHING. But I love clutter, and chaos. And pressure makes me think and keeps me on my toes. I am VALE with this!!!

Today I went to lunch with 6 guys, Steve and his clan. They make me laugh. I generally get along with guys much better than girls. Unless it’s my group at home, the Vortex, or the Falafals. I think it’s because I don’t care enough to be a girl and I am really open. They call me Chaz and I can just talk to them. An ex told me I cared way too much about gossip, drama and girl stuff, but that is so untrue. I don’t wear uggs, or fuck me pants. I don’t dye my hair fake blonde and act stuck up. I am normal and down to earth. And that idea that I am a high maintenance girl is a joke. I don’t shave, or dress up. I could care less what I wear here. You have to work to get me to dress nice compared to everyone else. And that is why I love lunch with the boys here. They are so chill and cool, and they know I am like that. They point me out on it. And they can make me laugh. And they are sweet and talk to you the way guys should with respect.

On the way to therapy I met the man of my dreams. He was in a band touring with No Use for a Name. We talked and he was from California. He was the ideal guy for me. We talked for 15 minutes and I never got his last name or anything, I promised I would go to his show on the 6th but I am going to be in Madrid. I felt so guilty! We cliqued. And it was the first guy since Larkin that looked me in the eye and understood me, and made me feel special, even in that short period of time. But it’s not meant to be because I have no idea any other information about him besides random facts like hometown and favorite band. I won’t be there after his show like I promised! It is weird how time can change things. One second to late or early can change a whole story. I am just going to let my life play out and I will see where it takes me. I am very happy where I am at right now, but live with the idea

“Time doesn’t wait for anyone, so why not love now when you can. You don’t want to regret losing someone you love because you need time.”

We had our movie tonight with our angels. Miquel and the rest of the group went to a different movie, but Erin, Katie, Alicia, a guy and I went to Revolutionary Road with Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicarprio. We got popcorn and went into the movie, just like in the States. All the movies in Barcelona start so late, even on a Wednesday night. It didn’t start to well after 11 and that wasn’t even the latest showing! It was a BBC movie so I didn’t know what to expect. But I love the two actors, and so we gave it a shot, and I’m glad we did. I cried. It was about two people falling in love, how their interests drove them different ways, in life, we either have the things that we want or the reasons why we do not have them. Kate Winslet lives the suburban life, and it ends in an abortion, affair, death and an incomplete feeling. This movie just got to me. It was powerful and just got to everyone in the theater. They are the most talented duo together. And the story had so many hidden messages. When I finish Uncles Tom’s Cabin, I’m going to read Revolutionary Road. Words can’t describe how screwed up, but normal this movie was. I’m glad we chose this one.

After the movies we walked through the Olympic Village in the middle of the calle with the palm trees surrounding us looking for a night bus stop. We finally found one and hopped it. And after an exchange Katie and I got on a creepy one, and turn around and got right back off. We walked around the outside the La Sagrada Familia, and realized we needed a cab. We paid the driver in change to get her home. But we didn’t have enough for me. He still drove me home. He made one creepy comment, if not he was so sweet. He drove me for free and just worked on my Castilian with me. It was a really nice ride home actually. And we had a full conversation. When I got home I talked to two ex. I guess things always come in two, and they both hurt me the most, and were equally nice, which is weird. But I was tired and pretty out of it!